15 February 2011

It's Not Me, It's You ... Ok, Maybe A Lil Of Both

I have the worst luck when it comes to relationships. Or maybe just the worst taste in guys. I can't figure out why I go from one bad relationship to another. The sad part is, when I was younger I don't think I had this hard of a time finding a decent guy. The older I get the more I attract and become attracted to assholes. You know what, I can't even say it's because I'm stuck on dating a specific type of guy either. I've dated engineers, army guys, mechanics, security guards, IT techs, and so on and so on. The one thing they have in common: assholes. To the engineer guys credit, he at least started off that way. I think it had more to do with the fact that he had money, so he felt he was entitled to be a dick. Yea, you can be a dick all by yourself honey.

Ugh! I'm just so damn tired of dealing with these type of guys. I mean, what happened to the men who cherished their women? What happened to the men who recognized a good woman when they had it and therefore did everything in their power to keep her by his side? And that's where we're suppose to be: by your side. No one is behind or infront of the other. We're equals. We're partners. It seems like now a days all these guys want their women to be their mothers or something. I don't have time to raise you. I have goals and responsibilities of my own. I don't want to get into a relationship and realize that you need me to be your parent. I want someone who can bring something to the table. He has his own responsibilities and he handles them. We have our own separate lives and then one as a couple. I shouldn't have to be your entire world and you shouldn't have to be mine. I don't want someone who is going to be jealous every time a friend of mine calls or when they see me on facebook. I don't want to have to swear everytime that I'm going to the place I say I am. I don't want to be timed everytime I'm doing something away from you. I shouldn't have to explain why my friends are calling or why they want me to go somewhere. And I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to hang out with someone other than you.

Ever since my ex and I split (about 3 years ago) it seems like I've had to deal with controlling psycho freaks. Only not all of them started out that way. I don't know why all of a sudden these guys get so damn clingy and possessive. And I hate to sound like I don't love my bf (or I guess now my latest ex) but, damn. I need room to breathe. I need room to be me.

I don't really expect to find the perfect guy. I know no one perfect exists, but I guess I just needed to send this into the great big void. From time to time I know its natural to have hiccups in your relationship, but it seems like its more frequent than not for me. Truth is, I wonder how much of it is their fault. I mean, am I sending off some freak signal that makes them think its okay to behave that way? I dont know. I'm just so fucking frustrated. I honestly don't know if I'll ever find that right guy.

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