17 June 2011

Sometimes I feel like I've been cursed in love. It never ceases to amaze me how everything is seemingly going well and then WHAM! out of no where there's conflict and turmoil. I'm not even sure if I don't sabatoge myself. How fucked up is that?

My current bf can sometimes be bi-polar when it comes to dealing with me. One minute he's laughing and playing and the next he's either sulking or threatening to break up. I try to accommodate his mood swings by censoring myself, but that only works for so long. I feel like if he can play around and talk shit or do as he pleases then I should have the same privileges as well. I'm very equal like that, but it's gotten me to this point. The point of him giving me an ultimatum of either "changing" or going at it alone.

Let's evaluate my options further. "Changing" really means allowing him to control me so that way he can feel better about himself while he sucks the life out of me. Going at it alone means I'm free of being controlled, but I'd be on the single side of life. Let me be honest, I'm not one of those people that are completely happy outside of relationships. I blame it on my culture. LOL. I sometimes feel like I'm too old to not have someone. Lame, right? Ugh... I'm tired of the bullshit though. I feel suffocated by it all. I'm such a free spirit and I feel like maybe we're just too different. But then I think about how great we are together when things are good and I get confused. Especially because when we're good I'm censoring, so how much of it is really me? Does it mean he only likes the girl I pretend to be? I mean, it is me, a held back version of me, but me nonetheless. Ya know?... 

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